Oh I love being a woman

So, I had the most validating conversation the other day. A friend and I were telling this lady (we’ll call her Leah) how we didn’t want kids, and much to our surprise, she supported our decision. Leah is married with three kids.

‘Wait to have kids until you are absolutely sure. If you aren’t sure, don’t have them.’

She went on to tell us about how she’s had to sacrifice her career in order to raise her kids, and how she can’t really travel anymore (something she really wanted to do more of, and which her jobs entails); how she got all these body image issues after childbirth; how she’ll go home and either sneak in, or wait outside until her babies have fallen asleep because she’s had a long day at work; how she just wanted one child but her husband threatened to have kids elsewhere if she didn’t give him more(Keep in mind she’s a ‘modern woman’), and how her husband’s life since the kids has not changed whatsoever.

The whole time she was telling us this, we were like ‘yess!’, because these are all reasons I’ve given before for not wanting kids, but which many people will dismiss for being either too vain, or too selfish.

Quick detour: studies show (https://torontosun.com/health/married-men-live-longer-married-women-not-so-much-study/wcm/8b1b8dc9-d6ce-428a-b4f1-71eeea5084ae/amp/) that when women are in a relationship with a man (as a girlfriend/wife/baby mum), it means less sex, worse health, less money for them.

On the flip side, men in relationships live longer, have better health, and meet more career success, bringing us to the conclusion that men have more to gain from marriage (or whatever else) than women.

But, we don’t really need research to tell us this. The expectations on women range from taking care of the household ie. the laundry, meals, medical care, to being pregnant for nine months, very painful labour, and then being the caretaker of that child up until they can take care of themselves.

The only expectation on men is to provide financially, and we all know how that’s going with the apparent rise of the 50/50 warriors.

Another detour: one of my more triggering words is ‘nurturing’. It’s only ever used to describe only women in the context of ‘mothering’ (not just their children, but even their spouses, and whatever man they might be in a relationship with.) It also implies (which I’m sure you’ve heard before), that motherhood comes naturally to women, so what you see a lot of is the narrative that women will ‘figure out’ the motherhood thing as long as they give birth. This in turn leaves a lot of mothers without support from their partners.

So not only are women expected to meet/exceed said ridiculous expectations, they’re also expected to do so gracefully; never complaining, and never giving thought to what might have been.

All this to say, motherhood can be a beautiful thing, but we’re also very lucky to live in a time where we have the option to opt out if it doesn’t make sense.